They will detox you, destress you, rebalance you, banish fat and wrinkles, tone you up and even, in my case, excavate 'sediments of sadness' from your soul.
Nope, there is no neurosis or niggle that the crack team of nurses, naturopaths, nutritionists, body workers and other experts can't tackle.
Chiva-Som has long been regarded as the best destination spa in Thailand. Last month, the Six Senses Destination Spa, Phuket, opened, threatening its crown, not least because the new spa's general manager was ChivaSom's founding manager.
Retreat: The Six Senses spa
As they jockey for top position, Six Senses is plumping for the more spiritual route, with its eco-spa and 'fishetarian' meals, while Chiva-Som is upping the scientific ante with a hot new medi-spa.
Both believe that for the best health MoT, an organic diet that is caffeine, sugar and salt-free is compulsory. Both offer organic wine by the glass after 6pm but it is not encouraged. Mobiles and laptops are banned in public spaces.
Both provide various packages focused on your individual goals (detox, anti-ageing, enhancing fertility etc) with all calorie-counted meals included and daily massages.
Immersed: A guest receives instruction in well-being in an indoor pool at Chiva-Som
And the spa trends for 2009 are clear: raw food is rockin' - fruit, veg and nuts are 'cooked' below 42C to maximise nutrient content.
Colonic irrigation is back in fashion and the workout of the moment is kinesis: both have high-tech kinesis studios that offer free-flowing movement against the resistance of metal cables.
Chiva-Som is the more urban of the two spas both in vibe and location. It is situated in the royal beachside province of Hua Hin, where the King of Thailand has his residence, two hours' drive south of Bangkok.
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